Ok it’s been about a month since I last posted. What a hell of a month. I’ve been on a binge for a while. Two or three weeks ago I downed 5 bottles of Bushmills in a week. I got drunk 7 days in a row. Not tipsy drunk, passed out drunk. The hangover wasn’t even really that bad. You know you have a drinking problem when you can’t get hungover. Then I met a girl. A wonderful beautiful woman. We were practically soul mates. We were finishing each others sentences, had the exact same ideals, values, life perspective. I never met a woman like this before, and I’ve been dating a lot over the last 5 years. I thought to myself “I want to marry this girl”. Then, she broke my heart. After an amazing week of 5 dates (we couldn’t get enough of each other), we slept together. And that’s when things changed. That night she told me she had to break up with “Brian” now. “WTF? Who is Brian?”. Apparently he was traveling that week. Ok, well, at least I got her. Wrong. Something happened Monday when she was supposed to break up with him. Tuesday she was distant and didn’t return my call. I was getting this odd vibe and her texts had a tone as if she was mad at me. She texted me while I was at karate on Wednesday to break up with me. “I can’t trust you” she said. Poor excuse. She was the one seeing other people. This is a short version of the story. Needless to say, I didn’t feel the need to drink when I was with her. Only got drunk one day that week, and that was to just “finish” off the whiskey.
I hit an all time low last night. I went out Friday night already drunk. Went to an Irish pub close by around midnight and closed the place. I would have gone elsewhere, but at 2am, everything else was closed. Woke up Saturday very very hungover. I don’t remember how I got home. Sunday night was more of the same. Had about 35-40% of the bottle of whiskey to kill. For a Sunday night, that should have been fine. It would have kept me feeling good all night and wouldn’t send me over the top. Well, drunk ass me wanted more so off to the grocery store I go. Picked up a bottle of wine and some cheese. I killed the entire bottle of wine in an hour. Ok, that should have been it too. Sunday night. Nope, I was so drunk I wanted to get to a bar. Maybe hit on a girl and get laid. I’m getting desperate to find a companion. Back to the Irish pub. The place was dead. Only 4 people there. Made some temporary bar friends and had 2 pints. I wanted a change of scenery so I went to a sports bar close by. Had one pint of beer there. Then I got pissed because the girl next to me wouldn’t talk to me. And here was the low point; I stole the money she left for the bartender. She left $7, I took the $5 and walked out of the bar quickly. I don’t think anyone saw, but I was drunk. I dropped the money on the ground next to my car and picked it up. This should have been a clue for me to get my ass home before I did something really bad. Drove to another sports bar, locked. They’re closed. It’s midnight now. Ok, instead of going home I drove to another Irish pub about 30 minutes away. Had a red bull to wake up and two double Bushmills. Was hitting on an ugly married girl at the bar while her husband was taking a piss. They left. He seemed to be confused and irritated at me. I paid my bill and the next thing I remember I woke up at 9:30am in my bed. I have little memories of how I got home, but I do know I did some speeding. Dumb of me, drunk at 1:30am.
I need help. This is bad. It’s being alone all the time that’s making me drink to pass the time. I’ve done a lot of stupid things, and I eventually will get caught. Is Gods plan for me so important that he’s intervening? I don’t have delusions that I’m invincible or anything. I know I will get pulled over if I don’t stop. I was hung over all day. Very unproductive. My manager even caught me watching a youtube video. Not that it’s that bad, but he’s a very strict micro manager. I hate working for him.
What kills me is when I was with “R”, I didn’t want to drink. When we went out, I would limit myself. I feel so guilty about last night. I can’t ever go back to that sports bar now. If I’m recognized, it will be the end of me. I risked a criminal record for $5?
I’m going to look into AA. It’s bad when you can drink 20 drinks in 5 hours and not be in a coma.