Downward Spiral

Ok it’s been about a month since I last posted. What a hell of a month. I’ve been on a binge for a while. Two or three weeks ago I downed 5 bottles of Bushmills in a week. I got drunk 7 days in a row. Not tipsy drunk, passed out drunk. The hangover wasn’t even really that bad. You know you have a drinking problem when you can’t get hungover. Then I met a girl. A wonderful beautiful woman. We were practically soul mates. We were finishing each others sentences, had the exact same ideals, values, life perspective. I never met a woman like this before, and I’ve been dating a lot over the last 5 years. I thought to myself “I want to marry this girl”. Then, she broke my heart. After an amazing week of 5 dates (we couldn’t get enough of each other), we slept together. And that’s when things changed. That night she told me she had to break up with “Brian” now. “WTF? Who is Brian?”. Apparently he was traveling that week. Ok, well, at least I got her. Wrong. Something happened Monday when she was supposed to break up with him. Tuesday she was distant and didn’t return my call. I was getting this odd vibe and her texts had a tone as if she was mad at me. She texted me while I was at karate on Wednesday to break up with me. “I can’t trust you” she said. Poor excuse. She was the one seeing other people. This is  a short version of the story. Needless to say, I didn’t feel the need to drink when I was with her. Only got drunk one day that week, and that was to just “finish” off the whiskey.

I hit an all time low last night. I went out Friday night already drunk. Went to an Irish pub close by around midnight and closed the place. I would have gone elsewhere, but at 2am, everything else was closed. Woke up Saturday very very hungover. I don’t remember how I got home. Sunday night was more of the same. Had about 35-40% of the bottle of whiskey to kill. For a Sunday night, that should have been fine. It would have kept me feeling good all night and wouldn’t send me over the top. Well, drunk ass me wanted more so off to the grocery store I go. Picked up a bottle of wine and some cheese. I killed the entire bottle of wine in an hour. Ok, that should have been it too. Sunday night. Nope, I was so drunk I wanted to get to a bar. Maybe hit on a girl and get laid. I’m getting desperate to find a companion. Back to the Irish pub. The place was dead. Only 4 people there. Made some temporary bar friends and had 2 pints. I wanted a change of scenery so I went to a sports bar close by. Had one pint of beer there. Then I got pissed because the girl next to me wouldn’t talk to me. And here was the low point; I stole the money she left for the bartender. She left $7, I took the $5 and walked out of the bar quickly. I don’t think anyone saw, but I was drunk. I dropped the money on the ground next to my car and picked it up. This should have been a clue for me to get my ass home before I did something really bad. Drove to another sports bar, locked. They’re closed. It’s midnight now. Ok, instead of going home I drove to another Irish pub about 30 minutes away. Had a red bull to wake up and two double Bushmills. Was hitting on an ugly married girl at the bar while her husband was taking a piss. They left. He seemed to be confused and irritated at me. I paid my bill and the next thing I remember I woke up at 9:30am in my bed. I have little memories of how I got home, but I do know I did some speeding. Dumb of me, drunk at 1:30am.

I need help. This is bad. It’s being alone all the time that’s making me drink to pass the time. I’ve done a lot of stupid things, and I eventually will get caught. Is Gods plan for me so important that he’s intervening? I don’t have delusions that I’m invincible or anything. I know I will get pulled over if I don’t stop. I was hung over all day. Very unproductive. My manager even caught me watching a youtube video. Not that it’s that bad, but he’s a very strict micro manager. I hate working for him.

What kills me is when I was with “R”, I didn’t want to drink. When we went out, I would limit myself. I feel so guilty about last night. I can’t ever go back to that sports bar now. If I’m recognized, it will be the end of me. I risked a criminal record for $5?

I’m going to look into AA. It’s bad when you can drink 20 drinks in 5 hours and not be in a coma.

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Exhausted

This past week has been a long one. And a drunken one. I got drunk every day this week except Thursday. It all started with boxed wine. One or two glasses, then the next thing I knew, I had so much I blacked out. All I was looking for was a decent buzz after a hard days work and some intense training. Granted I didn’t drive anywhere, except last night. I just drove a mile to the liquor store to pick up a bottle of Bushmills Black. I haven’t had the good stuff in a while and decided to opt in for some. I probably should have driven, but I wasn’t smashed, just buzzed.

All week I’ve bee having flashbacks to some of my drunk diving episodes. From when I decided to go to the driving range, I zipped around a 45mph corner at 60 and almost lost control of the car. And another time I decided to swerve for the fun of it and almost lost control of the car then too. I’ve done some really really stupid stuff while drinking, especially getting behind that wheel. The stupidity of those things haunt me. What kills me is that I know better. If I get a DUI, my life is over. I have no money for that, and I don’t just get buzzed, I get smashed. So if I get pulled, I’m SOL. The cost will probably be around $15,000 plus the humiliation. Or worse, I get into a crash and total my car. Then that will be a DUI, plus the cost, plus the car.

Well, I’ve put on close to 18 pounds since mothers day. I was 219, now I’m 237. Most of that was due to increased alcohol consumption. Getting drunk gives me the munchies, and boy do I overeat. Plus on days that I’m hung over I tend to crave junk food. Today I ate way too much crap. Had Chinese takeout, french fries, and 4 egg rolls. Probably close to 3,000 calories today.

The weight loss is my biggest motivator to not drink. I have to stay focused.

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One hell of a good meal

Of course I drank last night. The ride home was quite depressing. Almost like I wanted to fall asleep. But being very hungry (since I skipped lunch in anticipation of going to a really nice restaurant for the date), I needed to pick up something. I decided to see what my grocery store had for steaks. I haven’t had a nice steak in a while. I was thinking about doing some fresh basil, tomato and mozzarella salad for a starter. Picked up some fresh bread and white truffle olive oil, fresh mushrooms, and a some cheap wine. I didn’t feel like blowing my wad on some expensive wine. Just a nice $10 bottle would do. That and I had some boxed wine. I’ve been on a bit of a boxed wine kick for a while. It comes down to $5 a bottle, which is good. And “Black Box” boxed wine isn’t too shabby. For an every day wine, it will do nicely. I ended up picking up some nice lamb chops as well. The total bill at the grocery store was $93.17. So if I take off the lamb chops, some of the mushrooms and miscellaneous ingredients, I think my total bill for just “dinner” was around $65. About what I would have spent on the date. I figured the date would have been : $30 for dinner for both of us, $10 on apps, and $15 on drinks. Plus tip, it would work out to be around $60-$65.

So dinner was very very satisfying. I had about two bottles worth of wine (maybe more), a huge 1lb NY Strip steak with sauteed mushrooms in Cabernet, fresh bread with white truffle olive oil for dipping, and fresh mozzarella with slice tomato and basil. Of course I ate way too much and was very full (and drunk at the end of the night). But I felt better.

I slept very well that night. I would probably have had a better nights sleep if I didn’t over eat and drink, but I needed to numb the pain. Last nights dinner was a nice reminder of what so many nights used to be like for me before I started karate. I would get fine wine and fine foods and have one hell of a good meal. Of course what I had last night can’t be repeated often. That will lead to serious weight gain. Time to get back on the hard training schedule.

Now that I’m 99% sure I’m going to be single for the rest of my life, I’m going to start gearing my life in that direction. I’ll save Saturday nights for the night of over indulgence. With football season coming (oh BTW, my season tickets came in for my college team), Saturday’s will consist of me working out in the morning, dropping my dogs off at the doggie hotel, then driving the 90 minutes to my college and see some FOOTBALL! Then it’s the drive home where I will have a nice bottle of wine waiting with some nice bread, oil, and cheeses. Sunday will be yard / house work. I’m going to work my ass off on my yard over the next couple of years and hopefully be able to sell the house. Move into a nice condo in the city, or a town house just on the outskirts.

The sad thing is, part of me doesn’t want that, but part of me does. Being 30 and single sucks.

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Another one bites the dust…..

I should probably be used to it by now. I was stood up today. Had a date planned with the woman I spoke about in my last post. We had some great chemistry when we talked on the phone. I was really looking forward to our date. Due to my hectic schedule, I wasn’t able to see her until today. I sent a text to confirm our date and she said “she forgot” and can’t make it. It seems I was the only one looking forward to it. Well, that severs it. Done with internet dating. They have all led to disasters. The ironic thing is, it’s just about the only place to meet women for a busy professional.

Fuck it. More money for booze I guess. As soon as I got that text message, I pictured myself picking up a bottle of whiskey. Hell, I got paid on Monday and my student loans are about to kick in, so that’s $4,000 I’ll have in cash. Of course $1,000 of that will go to fixing my POS car and sell it. Then that will be $8,000 in my pocket by October. Enough to pay off one of my credit cards and stash the rest for the “rainy day”. A co-worker is going to buy my dining room, so that’s another $800 in my pocket at the end of the month too. Slowly I’m turning into a city dweller. No more house in the burbs for me. No point for a single guy to have that. I can’t get a decent, educated, attractive woman; why not drown my life into the bottom of a bottle and die of liver failure at 50. No point in getting to 65 anyway. My parents have altered their will to give everything to my brothers kids anyway.

Well, since I know getting a bottle of whiskey is called for tonight, probably going to not be to practical. I’ll end up killing most of it and regretting it in the morning. It will also make me raid the fridge. Granted, I have no food in there, but I do have some chicken parm dishes I made over the weekend and froze for lunches. I’ll probably end up eating all of those if I get smashed.

I think instead, I’ll just be cheap tonight. Save money. Maybe pick up something healthy. I’ve put on 15 pounds since Mothers Day. That’s 1 belt loop (maybe a little more). Eating like shit all the time is catching up with me, even with my karate.

I have a lot of confliting feelings going on right now. Part of me wants to maintain self control, knowing that if I do drown my sorrows in booze, I’ll regret it tomorrow. The other part of me wants to numb the pain, and what better way than whiskey. A nice cheap $21.56 bottle of Bushmills. And the other part of me wants to treat myself to make me feel better by going out to eat at a nice restaurant. Maybe a steak, or sushi.

Well, tomorrow is another day. We shall see what happens, could be anything. I could just say “fuck it”.

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Childhood Friends

My best friend from when I was a kid came to visit me today. I haven’t seen him in probably 7 years. He has been my best friend since I was in the 6th grade. Interestingly enough, out of our “click” in high school, we were the only two to make it out without a criminal record. Lucky considering the shenanigans we got into. Some of the stupid stuff we did as kids was crazy. Like shopping cart racing. We would get into a car and hold on to shopping carts out the back window. We would then get as much speed as possible and let go of the shopping carts and let them ram into the parking curbs in front of stores and restaurants and let them slam against the windows. Ahh.. crazy stupid shit. We spent the entire weekend catching up and telling stories of the past.

The thing is, he’s not much of a drinker. Good thing too. And when I say not much of a drinker, he can only have 1 beer before he gets a head ache. But with him, I don’t need to drink. We just had a good time hanging out (like we always did). This was a nice change of pace to my norm. With him coming over, it forced me to clean my house, which is good because I haven’t done it in about two months. Now I have to get my fat ass out and mow my lawn. Ugh… Oh well, time to start taking care of my lawn. If I want to sell this house in 3 years, I have to get off my butt and start making the yard look good. It will probably take me a few seasons to get the grass back anyway. It’s 50% bermuda grass, 25% weeds and 25% crab grass. :(

So I didn’t do much drinking this weekend. I had 1 beer Friday night. I didn’t want to stay up drinking since he was coming in to town in the morning. I had to get up early and finish cleaning my house. Saturday I had a couple of pints of Guinness with him at an Irish pub at lunch, and 5 beers at night. I ended up getting a small buzz for a bit, but it was nothing substantial. Once I got some food in me the buzz went away.

I’m also going to give online dating one more shot. Literally, this is the last girl. What’s good about her is that she’s pretty, 25 (hoary for younger), seems to enjoy staying active like me, likes fine wine & beer (more important than you think), and really loves seafood. Like me, she grew up on it. Since I’m in an area where seafood lovers are scarce, this is a nice change of pace. Bad things, she’s religious (hopefully not too much, or a psycho about it), and she’s 5’9″. Kinda tall for my taste. I prefer 5’5″ and below, where 5’4″/5’3″ being my ideal height (I like short women). But I’m 30, fat, and bald. I can’t be too picky this stage in my life. I need a good wife. A woman with taste, class (very very important), who will be able to mingle in upper class society, loving, and who supports my ambitions. But more importantly, someone who I can get along with and enjoy spending time with.

I have a date on Tuesday night. We shall see how it goes.

Important lesson learned : If I’m around people, I drink less. Especially when I’m around people who don’t drink much (or as much as I do).

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A fathers disappointment

This weekend was a weekend filled with golf and heat. Last month I enjoyed golfing with my father so much, I decided that we should do a two day golf weekend. I had this past Friday off, so about a month ago I made plans with him to come up for the weekend. Friday was a good day. We golfed in the 96 degree heat. Ok, not the best of weather, very very hot. It was so hot, the beer wasn’t going down well. We both switched to water. I think I maybe had 5 or 6 beers the entire game. Once we got home, after a few hours of recovering, I suggested we go to the oyster bar down the street from his house for some oysters and beer. Now that was fun. The entire day was a good day of father and son bonding. I even got drunk enough at the oyster bar and started talking about some of my failed relationships. Me being single and not bearing him any grand children has always been an issue, so I thought it needed explaining. To put a long story short, all the good ones by 30 are taken. About half the women I meet are either intimidated by my ambitions, or they lack education and class. I won’t go into that now. I had no idea how much I had to drink for the day, but I think it would be safe to say 15.

The next day my brother was able to join us in golf. This in itself was a feat, as his wife has serious “issues”. He’s usually never allowed to leave the house without her, but their marriage is starting to fall apart, so their preacher thought it would be best for him to get a few hours a week away from the family for some “guy time”. Another great day of golf. I did a lot of bonding with him. Not much drinking, maybe 4 beers the entire game (really hot day).

So what’s the disappointment all about? Many things really. It’s entirely complicated, but my father has never really been there for me my entire life. He put food on the table, was very active in my boy scout troop as a kid, took us on vacations; but as someone a son could take to; never. I joined the marines out of high school. One day I got into trouble hazing a new “boot”. I was up against charges. I asked my family for money for a lawyer. My father told me his help comes with terms and conditions, and because it’s his money, my freedom is a product, so he has the right to all the documents and everything I tell the lawyer. What kind of a father would say that? Needless to say, I opted not to accept his help. He said the same thing this weekend; if my brother ever got a divorce, he would need a lawyer which my father would make him get, and pay for, but the catch is, my father wants to be entitled to everything the lawyer says or my brother tells the lawyer. Unfortunately that’s not how it works, but he doesn’t care.

My parents are also getting close to retirement, and re putting together strategic moves to where they want to retire to. I talked with them about this. He wants to retire on 5+ acres and build waking trails through woods, a hurricane proof house with 5″ beams, huge yard, etc.. The only place he can really get that is either 45 minutes from me (and 1 1/2 hours from my brother), or an hour from my brother and 2-3 hours from me. “I don’t care” he said.

I’m really tired of trying to reach out. After two days with my parents I couldn’t take any more of it.  It’s as if there’s a 48 hour clock running; once hour 48 hits, I have to get out of there. The sad thing is, we have a 4 day boat trip scheduled for sometime in October, and on the way home I was thinking that I didn’t want to go. My mothers vacation time has to be scheduled far in advance. The plan is they pick me up Thursday night and I come back Sunday night. Or Monday? I can’t remember. Right now I’m thinking about either canceling, or trying to modify the plan where I come down Friday morning and leave Sunday by noon. I don’t know.

So as far as drinking goes, I did some on Thursday night. A few beers and a whiskey. Friday was a lot of drinking. 10+ beers, 3 oyster shooters (raw oyster, vodka, salsa, hot sauce, & horse radish), and a big glass of whiskey (or maybe 2, I don’t remember). Saturday was 4 beers and 2 glasses of wine. But by Saturday, I was too exhausted to drink. The heat drained me, and I just wanted to go to bed. I got a solid 9 hours of sleep. I was in such a deep sleep, I dreamed the entire night; so much I talked in my sleep. My mother wakes up at 4:30am every morning to use the bathroom (then goes back to bed) and heard me talking. She told me she was going to listen in on the door, but since I had my dogs with me she was afraid they would sense her (or hear her) and start barking. How RUDE!

So an idea floating around my head, never spend the night over anymore, maybe move to another part of the country. Since they obviously don’t want to spend a lot of time with me, nor are they interested in moving close to me when they retire, what’s the point? I go to school online, so that’s not a problem, the only real asset keeping me here is my house; and this housing market SUCKS ASS right now. I’d lose 15-20k on my house if I sold it. Maybe in 3 years. I should be debt free (for the most part) in 3 years, and hopefully the market would have recovered enough by then.

 

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Regrets

I wish I could post that I went home, had a lite dinner and drank nothing but juice. But I would be lying. I knew I needed to pick up some dinner. Since I got chicken in my head I was set on picking one up. “What beer goes with chicken?”. I was really in the mood for a nut brown ale, but my local grocery store doesn’t stock shit in craft brews. Closest thing I could get was New Castle. Now don’t get me wrong, a perfectly good brew. What was stupid of me was instead of getting a 6 pack, I picked up a 12 pack. Roasted chicken, garlic bread, and New Castle. I have to admit, I enjoyed the garlic bread and beer more than the chicken. I only had a drum stick, thigh and wing. Had half the garlic bread pre-drunk, and killed the rest post drunk.

I had 7 beers before I was getting tired of drinking beer. I was getting full and didn’t really feel that drunk. I looked at the clock, it was 8:30. Shit, I’ve had 7 beers in 2 1/2 hours. Legally I was drunk, I knew it. I could tell just from doing the math. The thought dangled in my head to head to the bar or liquor store. I didn’t want to head to the liquor store, and knew although I didn’t feel drunk now, it would turn out to be “Friday night” all over again. I would have a few beers and would be so wasted I wouldn’t remember how I got home. And a risk of  DUI. But here was where I felt really dumb. I went dumpster diving for my almost empty bottle of whiskey. It’s been in the trash since Sunday. So into the garage I went, opened up a trash bag and dug out a 80% empty bottle of whiskey. It seems sitting in a 100 degree garage for a few days caused some of the whiskey to evaporate. Not much mind you. Or maybe it was my imagination.

The whiskey tasted nasty. Not spoiled, as bottles are air tight, but it was really hot for 3 days, and that just killed the flavor. But I was ample on getting drunk. “Better at home than go driving”. What I should just have done is stopped drinking. But can an alcoholic really help himself? At least I didn’t buy another bottle; but I did find myself wishing I did.

Needless to say, I think the total drink I had last night was 11. When I finished my whiskey, I was bombed and knew it. Good thing too. An idea popped into my head to go out, but that was squashed real quick. I knew I was wasted and had plenty of beer at home. Going out for a whiskey at a bar was stupid and dangerous, and I knew it. So, time to raid the fridge. I think I killed off over 1500 calories worth of cheese. Not too bright. I woke up at 3:30am very very dehydrated from the combination of the cheese and booze. I felt as though I couldn’t get back to sleep. This happens to me when I have around 9-11 drinks. That seems to be my sweet spot, my “drunk number”. Once I get there, it’s enough for me to be drunk, but without having the 12 hour hangover. Once I exceed 12, it’s “black out time”. Unfortunately since I got up at 3:30 after having only 4 hours of sleep, I almost passed out on my keyboard at 6:30am from exhaustion. Decided to get some sleep. Slept for 2 hours and started my day.

What’s unfortunate, is I broke a promise to myself. I drank. Not only that, but I was fishing booze out of the trash like a homeless man. Ugh..

Well, I’m going to be sober tonight. Over the last hour I’ve been thinking about drinking. I’ve never thought I would get to this point in my life; when I think about booze during the day. I’ll bring the remaining 5 New Castles to with me golfing and share them with my dad. This way they’re not in the house. Tomorrow night more than likely I’ll have a few beers with my dad, but since we have a 9:30am tee time Friday, we won’t have much. We’ll have to leave the house at 8:00am, so it will be an early day. Early golf means little drinking. I’ll be starting my sobriety back on Sunday. My best friend from when I was a kid is coming up on the 13th. I’m looking at 13 days sober. He’ll probably want to share a beer with me, and I’ll take him out when get gets here. More than likely dinner or something local to do. He’s not a huge drinker (a beer now and then) so I don’t expect to get bombed. He’s heading out the next day early with a 13 hour drive ahead of him, so it won’t be much of a late night.

Being sober is hard.

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